Darkness is as light to Him
Darkness has been so real to me the past few years. Mostly, it's the weight of grief and trauma from Noelle's life and death, but there has also been such darkness with my daughter June's seizures, brain, and heart abnormalities, and several bouts of catastrophic extended-family dysfunctional events.
The weight just totally flattens me some days. It's not even a mind choice I make, like the constant striving in my mind to talk to God and remember Him and all His truths - that is a real fight. One I am not always great at fighting, even one I forget I need to fight some days.
But, sometimes, its like my body (separate from my mind or emotions) remembers all that's happened and just decides: "Nope. Can't do it today. Today is for the birds. You, limbs are lead, and you, legs, you are actual Jello. You can try, you ambitious mind, but it just. aint. happening. "
I'm learning some of these experiences can describe Depression, but they can also describe people's encounter with Grief. And sometimes these two are interchangeable.
I've felt this heaviness a lot lately. But honestly, it's been more of a companion the last 4-6 years than not. Like an old friend who was never really ever nice to you, but you keep in contact every once in a while because you have a lot of skin in the game together.
Its a wonder the way the Lord works in the darkness. Over and over again the last few years I've been drawn to Psalm 139:7-12:
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
The nearness I've felt to God, when I can't even put words to how deep down in the dark hole I have been, knowing not only is He is there right besides me in my pain, and He knows my pain perfectly, but that dark place is as light to him.
In this way, I've seen light in the darkest places of my experiences - ones I can't reason out or see any other way are good. But I've seen Him there.
And God knows, friends, what darkness is. Not just from above, or in a spiritual ethereal sense. No, He was human too, he experienced the trauma of a loved one's death too, he experienced violent hatred and blatant betrayal from the very people he came to save. And he died, excruciatingly. Like an infidel.
What love! What love...to sit in the darkness with me, and be my friend through these days.
Thank you, Jesus.
The weight just totally flattens me some days. It's not even a mind choice I make, like the constant striving in my mind to talk to God and remember Him and all His truths - that is a real fight. One I am not always great at fighting, even one I forget I need to fight some days.
But, sometimes, its like my body (separate from my mind or emotions) remembers all that's happened and just decides: "Nope. Can't do it today. Today is for the birds. You, limbs are lead, and you, legs, you are actual Jello. You can try, you ambitious mind, but it just. aint. happening. "
I'm learning some of these experiences can describe Depression, but they can also describe people's encounter with Grief. And sometimes these two are interchangeable.
I've felt this heaviness a lot lately. But honestly, it's been more of a companion the last 4-6 years than not. Like an old friend who was never really ever nice to you, but you keep in contact every once in a while because you have a lot of skin in the game together.
Its a wonder the way the Lord works in the darkness. Over and over again the last few years I've been drawn to Psalm 139:7-12:
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
The nearness I've felt to God, when I can't even put words to how deep down in the dark hole I have been, knowing not only is He is there right besides me in my pain, and He knows my pain perfectly, but that dark place is as light to him.
In this way, I've seen light in the darkest places of my experiences - ones I can't reason out or see any other way are good. But I've seen Him there.
And God knows, friends, what darkness is. Not just from above, or in a spiritual ethereal sense. No, He was human too, he experienced the trauma of a loved one's death too, he experienced violent hatred and blatant betrayal from the very people he came to save. And he died, excruciatingly. Like an infidel.
What love! What love...to sit in the darkness with me, and be my friend through these days.
Thank you, Jesus.
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