will you help me?
You should probably know something about me. I like to worry. And...hm...what's a nice way to put this...introspect? Ponder? My husband would probably say (lovingly and more accurately) mope. Yes...I tend to wallow in thought, and possibly more often than not, it is to my own demise. So you can see, after all this has happened with Noelle and such, why my own mom might say about this happening to us, "Not Laura!"
I tell you these things because I have a weakness, a propensity for circular, sometimes destructive thought. But, I am boasting in this weakness of mine. You see, I am beginning to see God's power perfected through this. His power, his beauty, his own self is being brought forward in my life, and many others, because of this weakness. And the strength he is growing in me, despite this weakness, is so, so far beyond any stupid weakness of mine. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I am running into instances of his power a lot more frequently nowadays.
Everyday since we found out about Noelle I have been bathed in what I can only describe as a peace that surpasses understanding. Why am I not cowering under the bed, literally paralyzed in the fetal position as I sob loudly, dust bunnies sticking to my face wet with tears, as my soul wrenches with grief? But if you would have asked me before, that is exactly what I would have pictured myself doing daily in this situation. And I suppose there is still time for that to happen. Perhaps even moments that might be worth that. (I could go on about all the possible situations I have thought about that I might do this...but will spare you. Boasting in weakness...)
Yes, there are moments I am filled with an expressible sorrow. But its seems the power these circumstances have over me is limited. Despite Noelle's diagnosis (or almost diagnosis at this point), I am seriously, inexplicably, and perhaps even stubbornly trusting in the Lord. I know He is good. I have seen it and felt it and tasted it. There is no doubt in my mind He knows what's going on, He's got a plan. I know He will use this for the good of those called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). His plan is GOOD! And I know that He is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or even think (Ephesians 3:20). Let me tell you, I have thought of a lot of scenarios, good and bad. But He can do good in this crappy situation, and far more abundantly than I could ever even dream of! Man, I am taking that to heart now. In the past things like this have shaken the foundations of my life in giant ways, but this time I feel solid. My tent stakes are in the ground. I feel ready for the storm.
And weirdly enough, I've even experienced more joy about things I thought would have crippled me with grief. Many of our friends are in the middle of having babies, or about to have babies. I would have guessed bitterness or sorrow would have overtaken me as I see about their perfectly healthy, fresh bodies. But, for some reason, Jesus has blessed me with a freedom to love those new babies even more fiercely than I might have before. All humans are created in the image of God, and have value in themselves. I see that in these babies - my love for Noelle and realization of the value of her life has opened my eyes to see the love God has for all people. And to know God loves Noelle just as fiercely as all of these babies - enough to kill his own son for them.
And the beauty I've been experiencing...wow. I've experienced grief before, and I distinctly remember the joy of beauty being washed away for a long time. Like, for years I wanted to feel the joy from the beauty of a sunset, but it just eluded stirring anything up in my soul. I might as well have been looking in a dumpster. Again, like I said before, maybe it's still coming, but I am thoroughly seeing and experiencing overwhelming love through beauty these past few days. Whether it's a precious eyes-open, drooly kiss from my daughter, or fascinating, florescent colors in the fading sky. These things seem to be screaming "YES!!! HE IS GOOD!!! YOU CAN TRUST HIM!!!"
I could continue on for a while about other ways we have experienced and felt grace during this time. But, part of the reason I'm writing this is I know harder times are coming. I know my faith will be tested to its limits - to the breaking point. I foresee a time coming soon when I need to read this myself.
Let this be a mark, though - a testimony to God's goodness. I may need you to remind me of this. Ok, I know you will need to remind me of this. Will you help me?
I tell you these things because I have a weakness, a propensity for circular, sometimes destructive thought. But, I am boasting in this weakness of mine. You see, I am beginning to see God's power perfected through this. His power, his beauty, his own self is being brought forward in my life, and many others, because of this weakness. And the strength he is growing in me, despite this weakness, is so, so far beyond any stupid weakness of mine. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I am running into instances of his power a lot more frequently nowadays.
Everyday since we found out about Noelle I have been bathed in what I can only describe as a peace that surpasses understanding. Why am I not cowering under the bed, literally paralyzed in the fetal position as I sob loudly, dust bunnies sticking to my face wet with tears, as my soul wrenches with grief? But if you would have asked me before, that is exactly what I would have pictured myself doing daily in this situation. And I suppose there is still time for that to happen. Perhaps even moments that might be worth that. (I could go on about all the possible situations I have thought about that I might do this...but will spare you. Boasting in weakness...)
Yes, there are moments I am filled with an expressible sorrow. But its seems the power these circumstances have over me is limited. Despite Noelle's diagnosis (or almost diagnosis at this point), I am seriously, inexplicably, and perhaps even stubbornly trusting in the Lord. I know He is good. I have seen it and felt it and tasted it. There is no doubt in my mind He knows what's going on, He's got a plan. I know He will use this for the good of those called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). His plan is GOOD! And I know that He is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or even think (Ephesians 3:20). Let me tell you, I have thought of a lot of scenarios, good and bad. But He can do good in this crappy situation, and far more abundantly than I could ever even dream of! Man, I am taking that to heart now. In the past things like this have shaken the foundations of my life in giant ways, but this time I feel solid. My tent stakes are in the ground. I feel ready for the storm.
And weirdly enough, I've even experienced more joy about things I thought would have crippled me with grief. Many of our friends are in the middle of having babies, or about to have babies. I would have guessed bitterness or sorrow would have overtaken me as I see about their perfectly healthy, fresh bodies. But, for some reason, Jesus has blessed me with a freedom to love those new babies even more fiercely than I might have before. All humans are created in the image of God, and have value in themselves. I see that in these babies - my love for Noelle and realization of the value of her life has opened my eyes to see the love God has for all people. And to know God loves Noelle just as fiercely as all of these babies - enough to kill his own son for them.
And the beauty I've been experiencing...wow. I've experienced grief before, and I distinctly remember the joy of beauty being washed away for a long time. Like, for years I wanted to feel the joy from the beauty of a sunset, but it just eluded stirring anything up in my soul. I might as well have been looking in a dumpster. Again, like I said before, maybe it's still coming, but I am thoroughly seeing and experiencing overwhelming love through beauty these past few days. Whether it's a precious eyes-open, drooly kiss from my daughter, or fascinating, florescent colors in the fading sky. These things seem to be screaming "YES!!! HE IS GOOD!!! YOU CAN TRUST HIM!!!"
I could continue on for a while about other ways we have experienced and felt grace during this time. But, part of the reason I'm writing this is I know harder times are coming. I know my faith will be tested to its limits - to the breaking point. I foresee a time coming soon when I need to read this myself.
Let this be a mark, though - a testimony to God's goodness. I may need you to remind me of this. Ok, I know you will need to remind me of this. Will you help me?
Oh my friend. So grateful for these stakes in the ground and this triumphant testimony of today's grace. Celebrating it with you :)
ReplyDeleteThis is so similar to my journey when we lost our son (around 18 week in utero)! Your surrender to and trust in the Lord is beautiful, and it's such a God-glorifying thing that you are writing your journey down! It's important for you, and it's important for those inside and outside the body of Christ! You are allowing what Satan wants to use to slander God's name to instead point yourself and others to Him, and it's wonderful.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever want to talk with someone who has walked a similar road, feel free to message me. I am praying for your journey and for Noelle.
Amen sister. Your words encourage my faith in our faithful and strong God. Praise be to His name. We will continue praying for you and your family. Please let us know of any other ways we can help. Praising our good God for you!
ReplyDelete